Tuesday

I hate handmaids everything about them. Even the color red. Can't believe their stupidity. Offred, the resent handmaid when she arraived she dairred look at me straight on. For that I left her to carry her own lauge. When I told her to never call me 'Ma'am or anything at all she went on and called me 'Ma'am' anyway. Trouble she'll be. I can tell. At that moment I saw her right thought and knew I could slap her but thought otherwise. Why waste my energy in such things?
Handmaids are for women like me unworthy of breading children. Therefore, they are needed for nothing more just that. I'm always present when they we are at work. They don't kiss, touch, or enjoy it. I like to tell myself this that its just that a job. I wonder sometimes if Offred enjoys it. I always come to conclusions that she does. When she closes her eyes and thinks I don't see her. Makes me feel unworthy; if only I was not an unmowen.
Handmaid's I detest them what they make me go through and see. All of them haven't given me once what I've had them there for. What I long for. For what every good women lives for.

Monday

I'm about 51/2 feet tall. My appearance is of an actress, beautiful. As I was a very loved actress once. The make-up and hair of course had to be over the top even now. I remember my self with ash blond hair, petite, with a snub nose in my younger years. I was taller then as well. Now I'm old and not as attractive but I do try my best. I must say that I still pull it off. Although I could do without the cane but my leg's aged and weakened. I do pull that off too.
One of my two favorite hobbies is gardening in beautiful sunny days. When the days are dull my second best is sewing and knitting scarves for the Angels. Brave men they are. My favorite pastime would be pacing back and forth. Helps me clear my head and think clearly.
I keep having this recurring nightmare that won't leave me. In it I'm healthier and younger. How young I use to be. The dream start with my husband and me making love. Then in a blink of an eye the dream changes. Now I'm standing on the foot of the bed watching Offred make love to my husband. She then notices me and shows me her pregnant belly with that menacing smile. That smile that scares me. The dream then end with me paralyzed unable to move, scream, and do anything about it.
One of my rare favorite dreams are when me and Fred are lying outside on a blanket. He's rubbing my belly and I look down and find it fat. Pregnant. I'm so happy and then I wake to find my self empty unworthy. I'd say it means that rarely these days I'm happy.